Family. Colleagues. Friends. We think we can depend on them, trust them, and, perhaps, even rely on them to always be there. But here is the truth: not everyone you know will be in your life forever — and you won’t stay in theirs too, due to different reasons. That’s why it’s so important you learn to accept your ‘aloneness’ or ‘solitude.’ Because loneliness and the ability to stay alone and be comfortable with that are very different feelings.
How to develop this basic survival skill? Let’s find out.
#1: First, learn how loneliness is wired into your brain
Call it a state or a feeling, loneliness is actually your mammal brain (the ‘emotional’ brain) signaling danger. And that’s pretty logical because mammals (and a human, meaning YOU, is a mammal) can’t survive without being a part of a group.
For instance, if you’re going through adult ADHD treatment , you might not feel understood or accepted in the company of people who haven’t gone through the same experience. Your brain interprets this disconnection as isolation, which, obviously, is a threat to your survival.
In short, when you feel lonely, it’s actually your brain telling you that you lost the connection with the group and need to restore it for safety.
#2: Always remember the difference between loneliness and solitude
The first one is negative, painful, and keeps you from growing, while the second one is positive, peaceful, and helps you get to a better place. Loneliness is when you desperately need to spend the evening with someone, and can’t even stand the idea of being alone with your own thoughts.
Meanwhile, ‘aloneness’ is when you’re perfectly comfortable whether you spend the evening with your friends or stay at home and watch a movie once they cancel the plans.
#3: Learn how to take care of yourself
Do you know the first thing they teach at therapy sessions? It’s that you’re responsible for yourself. As highlighted in the liven reviews, you’re not responsible for what others think or feel towards you, and you definitely can’t control their behavior. What you can control, however, are your feelings, thoughts, and responses to the external world, people included.
Here are a few therapeutic exercises that can help:
- Sit with your feelings. The most difficult — though it sounds very easy at first — is the exercise where you do nothing but sit and allow your emotions to rise. In the process, you don’t judge or avoid them. When it seems like you’re drowning in the ocean of sadness or fear, just remind yourself that it’s a wave, and it will pass. With time, your body will learn that there is nothing to be scared of and will respond to the triggers with lower intensity.
- Find the regions in your body where you ‘feel’ the loneliness most vividly. Is it in your chest? Your stomach? Your throat? Put a hand there and breathe into it gently. This is how you teach your body to hold discomfort without panic.
- Write a few affirmations. Humans are resilient creatures. We have the power to get ourselves out of the worst situations and heal the most terrifying wounds. Your affirmation might be: “I am safe and complete even when I am alone.” Repeat it each time the loneliness strikes.
#4: Go on a solo date
A solo date is a way to show yourself some love and spend some quality time with the main person in your life — you. Especially if you’re working in healthcare or any other industry that requires you to prioritize the needs of others over your own.
The trick is simple: if you don’t like doing something (in your case, it’s being alone), just try to make it fun. You can’t change the thing, but you can change your attitude towards it, right?
Choose an activity you like. Take yourself to a movie, buy yourself a fancy dessert, or go read a book in the park. The key is to do something you really enjoy — and do it ALONE.
Turn your solo date into a habit. Ideally, a solo date would happen every week. But if you’re super busy, you can try to commit to at least one time per month. Or even better: organize a solo date at home! Light some candles, cook your favorite dinner, play your favorite playlist, and you’re all set up.
Oh, and don’t forget to leave your phone in another room — no social media, chats, or calls. You wouldn’t talk to others during a real date, right? 😉
#5: Use your alone time to build the life you want
Devote those hours to things that can improve your life. Take an online course. Read books on psychology or personal development. Watch TED Talks that inspire you.
Feeling overwhelmed with all those options? 😵💫 Then here is what to focus your self-education research on:
- Sleep and food habits. Start with basics. Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Eat mindfully, even if it’s just you at the table. The idea of self-education here is that if you don’t know how to do all these things, do some mindful scrolling, watch a Youtube video, and learn more about how to form a healthy habit eventually.
- Mental health. Sure, not everyone has an opportunity or a desire to go see a real-life therapist. That’s why you can do some free mental health education online: learn how to regulate your emotions, set healthy boundaries, manage anxiety, and respond to negative thoughts.
- Structure in your life. Learn how to design a simple routine that works for you whether with a digital planner or a good old pen-and-paper method. The goal is to create a system for your days, even if it’s minimal. 🗓️
Final thoughts
You come alone to this world and you leave it alone: that’s an axiom of life. All that’s left is to be thankful for the people you meet and to truly learn to enjoy your own company on the road. Because when you’re comfortable with yourself, you’re never truly lonely.
You’ve got it! 🌿💛🍃
